Realizations

Last Thursday and Friday were our conference days in the city.  I’ll write more about it later, but I have topics now that I want to write about.  ……and spoiler alert:  This is one of those blogs when I ramble on about the meaning of life, how I fit into it, feelings, etc, so if that’s not your cup of tea, please feel free to stop reading here. 

The conference was ALL Kumamoto ALTs and a lot of JTEs.  On both days, we had different workshops to attend.  Sara, Devin, Melissa, and I were flipping through the schedule that we got and selecting which workshops we wanted to attend.  I was asked which workshop I was going to attend during one period, and I said that I wasn’t sure……either “Life after JET” or “Care for the Introverted JET.”  Sara immediately said, “Why would you go to the second one?  You’re not introverted!”    I have ALWAYS considered myself to be an introvert, so to have someone say this to me was QUITE surprising.  I’ve always been content on letting someone else take the reigns and be the leader.  I have no qualms about being your typical run-of-the-mill Indian instead of a Chief.  However, this got me thinking.  Am I an extrovert???  I mean….would an introvert move away from the safety and comfort of family and friends halfway around the world to a country where she doesn’t know the language or culture?  Would an introvert take great pleasure in planning social functions for friends?  (It’s true that my social circles have always been relatively small, but I have always loved hanging out and planning events with the friends that I have.  I love going on adventures, exploring, or even something as simple as a dinner together.)  Would an introvert choose a career path like teaching that involves BEING the leader?  ………..am I an extrovert?  I definitely envy those people who can talk to anyone or become the life of the party.  I’ll never be that person because I’m too socially awkward.  (I’m much better with words.  Hence this blog.  )  I always tell Ian that I’m jealous of his personality.  He always knows what to say and when to say it.  He has the gift of gab.  EVERYONE loves Ian!  While I still don’t consider myself to be an outgoing extrovert like Ian, I guess I actually fall somewhere in the middle of the scale instead of hugging the introvert side.  It’s very interesting when you think you know yourself and then someone says something and you stop to think OMG!  That’s sooooo true!  You’re right!  Thank you for teaching me about myself!   

That happened a second time on Friday.  Melissa and I were talking, and I said something about potentially regretting my decision to stay for a third year.  She said something like “Really?  I thought you were really homesick.”  This also shocked me.  I never have considered myself to be “homesick.”  Do I miss things about the States?  YES.  Do I want to see my friends and family?  YES.  Are there cultural things that annoy me about Japan?  YES.  Do I miss being at home during the holidays?  YES.  Does this make me homesick….?  I consider homesick to be whining and pining away to go home.  I don’t think I’m that way…….  I mean, I feel like it’s normal to miss home now and then, but I don’t think I whine and pine…..do I?  Hmmmm…..

On Thursday afternoon after the conference finished for the day I went for a walk.  As I was strolling though the streets of Kumamoto City, I was thinking:  Why am I going home??  I’m going to miss Japan so much!  I was just imagining leaving Japan and feeling the exact way that I felt before I left home.  It’s an exact mixture of worry, doubt, fear, and excitement.  I constantly question my decision to go home because there are so many unanswered questions and uncertainties about going home, just as there were about leaving it in the first place.    It’s so weird that I feel that way!  It absolutely amazes me that even though I’ve only been here for a year and a half, I’ve made such deep connections to the people and places of Kumamoto.  I worry that after the initial YAY-WE’RE-HOME!! elation wears away, I’ll find my life boring and significantly less exciting.  There will be far fewer challenges, and life might just become mundane.    As I continued to walk down the busy street looking at signs printed in kanji and watching stereotypical bad Asian drivers cutting off one another, I thought Will I EVER be ready to settle down?  Can I commit enough to one place to put roots there?  I honestly don’t know.  Now that I’ve had a taste of the world I don’t know that I could go back to just one place and live there for the rest of my life.  GAAAAHHHHHHH!  Growing up is so hard!!