Perhaps the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make….

Dear friends and blog-readers,

I’m at a crossroad in my life.  I have exactly thirty-one days to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Should I stay or should I go?  I know that I’ve written about this a lot, but it’s a HUGE decision for me to make.  Some of you might think it’s petty to consider this to be a HUGE decision, but this will affect the next year of my life and maybe even longer.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think about this.  Actually, not a day goes by when I make the decision that YES, I WILL STAY………followed by my brain working on overdrive as to why I shouldn’t stay.  Then it becomes NO, I WILL NOT STAY.  However, then I start to think about all of the reasons I should stay.  It’s an endless cycle of yes and no that drives me crazy!!!

I’ll have a great experience and decide that I definitely want to stay…… for example today’s break time.  I was putting up my November English board when some third grade girls came over to me.  I was talking to them about the things on my board: Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, my sister-in-law’s birthday, and my featured foreigner, my brother-in-law, Jonathan.  I know that one of the girls likes One Direction, so I whipped out my phone and started playing One Direction’s songs on You Tube.  She was tickled pink.  We literally sat there for the rest of the break time singing and dancing together.  I also learned that she likes Taylor Swift and Carly Rae Jepsen.  WHAAAAAAAT?  Is this girl after my own heart!?!?!  So yeah, after experiences like that, I want to stay. 

I’ll also have a bad experience and immediately decide that NOPE…this is DEFINITELY my last year.  For example (also today) my 3rd graders made me want to pull my hair out.  Most of them are completely disenchanted with the idea of English.  They fall asleep or act up during class.  If it was just one or two, that would be one thing, but half of the boys in the 38-person class are little turds who constantly act up.  Today it was circus time as they were acting like complete buffoons, and I could tell that they were making fun of me.  It’s so hard to continue to be chipper and happy when I’m the butt of stupid kids’ jokes.  (I would REALLY like to tell them that I have accomplished far more in my twenty-six years of life than they EVER will and that I hope they enjoy rice since they’re probably not going anywhere and will have to farm it for the rest of their lives.  I also hope that they don’t mind getting married to someone that they don’t like and having a whole litter of kids before the age of twenty-five.  I hope they enjoy coming home and drinking to excess every night because that is the only way they can enjoy their lives. *sigh*  If only I could tell them…….)  After times like that, I want to run away from here as fast as possible.

I often hear Kelly Clarkson’s “Break Away” on the radio, and the lyrics alone in this song inspire me to stay.  Let me just give you a little bit of the song:

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

………

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

GAAAAHHHHH!  I this song!!  It makes me feel so strong and empowered.  I’ll never forget that when I was sitting in the airport as I was about to leave the country for the very first time, this song came on.  I was on my way to Mexico for five weeks and questioning if I had made the right decision.  I automatically attached all of the feelings that I was experiencing to this song.  Small town girl taking on the world….it’s difficult to leave, but I’ve got to take a chance and do it.  Kelly Clarkson, it’s like you’re singing right to me!!!

On the flip side, I’ll hear a song about home.  For example, the Japanese are obsessed with John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” so it’s no surprise that the lyrics are included in my 3rd grade textbook.  Today we listened to it in class, and I felt SUCH a strong desire to go home that had I been in a more emotional state, I probably would have teared up.  Take a look at part of the lyrics:

I hear her voice
In the mornin' hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin' down the road I get a feelin'
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country Roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

Before someone states the obvious, no, I’m not from West Virginia.  Substitute “Kentucky” for “West Virginia” and “mountain” for something like “LBL,” and that pretty much sums it up.  Basically any song with the theme of home makes me want to go back.  There are times when I honestly wonder what the heck I’m doing here.  I don’t belong here.  Why should I stay for a third year?  I’m ready to go back to a familiar place where people know me!!

UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH! So here’s what it boils down to:  I HAVE to make this decision in thirty-one days.  My supervisor said that she needs an answer by December 1st.  I wish I didn’t have to make this decision.  I wish that magically it would just be decided for me, and I would have to live with that decision.  Gack! 

So I leave you with the latest song stuck in my head, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Clash, which currently summarizes my feelings toward this decision.  (For the non-Spanish speakers, don’t worry.  The Spanish lyrics are saying the same thing as the English ones.)

One day is fine, next is black
Un dias bien el otro negro
So if you want me off your back
Al rededar en tu espalda
Well come on and let me know
Me tienes que desir
Should I stay or should I go?
Me debo ir o que darme

Should I stay or should I go now?
Yo me frio o lo sophlo?
If I go there will be trouble
Si me voi - va ver peligro
And if I stay it will be double
Si me quedo es doble
So you gotta let me know
Me tienes que decir
Should I stay or should I go?
Yo me frio o lo sophlo?